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+--- Thread: My first poem (/Thread-My-first-poem)
My first poem - YaelTheGreat - 09-18-2011 11:32 PM
Okay, here it is:
We need to liberate our minds,
So we can instigate change,
And revolutionize the conditions of fame,
So that knowledge and intellect,
Come before swagger and bling,
And propagating ignorance,
Puts you on the shit list of shame,
To use your fame as a device for change,
Instead of criminalizing the neighborhood from which you came,
Is the achievement of an artist with true aims,
How do you guys like it? Please criticize, constructively.
RE: My first poem - Laz - 09-18-2011 11:40 PM
great for a first poem. great vocabulary, terrible rhyme scheme, great message, terrible flow and rhythm. your weaknesses are made strengths by practice and your strengths show you have good potential
keep writing brotha!
RE: My first poem - YaelTheGreat - 09-18-2011 11:41 PM
Yayyyy! Yea, I have no idea how to make stuff flow, guess I'm gonna have to work on that.
RE: My first poem - Djoser - 09-18-2011 11:58 PM
Good rhyme scheme.
It does flow actually especially for a poem.
The lines connect with each other and flow together.
It's a great POEM. Not sure if Laz is confusing it with a rap.
RE: My first poem - YaelTheGreat - 09-19-2011 12:02 AM
Thanks You!
RE: My first poem - Gezus - 09-19-2011 12:02 AM
(09-18-2011 11:40 PM)Lazarus Amaru Zion Wrote: great for a first poem. great vocabulary, terrible rhyme scheme, great message, terrible flow and rhythm. your weaknesses are made strengths by practice and your strengths show you have good potential
keep writing brotha!
Your ability to critique poems is horrible.
RE: My first poem - 1871 - 09-19-2011 12:38 AM
As much as I hate to agree with Lazarus he is more or less correct.
Nothing wrong with it Yael just break it up and be less direct. More abstract...like your modern art/ lol.
1 in 3 of every person who died in WW2 was Russian, Soviet war poetry is worth reading;
[quote] I am Goya
of the bare field, by the enemy’s beak gouged
till the craters of my eyes gape
I am grief
I am the tongue
of war, the embers of cities
on the snows of the year 1941
I am hunger
I am the gullet
of a woman hanged whose body like a bell
tolled over a blank square
I am Goya
O grapes of wrath!
I have hurled westward
the ashes of the uninvited guest!
and hammered stars into the unforgetting sky - like nails
I am Goya
Andrey Voznesensky
Bertolt Brecht (German Communist)
TO THOSE BORN AFTER
I
To the cities I came in a time of disorder
That was ruled by hunger.
I sheltered with the people in a time of uproar
And then I joined in their rebellion.
That's how I passed my time that was given to me on this Earth.
I ate my dinners between the battles,
I lay down to sleep among the murderers,
I didn't care for much for love
And for nature's beauties I had little patience.
That's how I passed my time that was given to me on this Earth.
The city streets all led to foul swamps in my time,
My speech betrayed me to the butchers.
I could do only little
But without me those that ruled could not sleep so easily:
That's what I hoped.
That's how I passed my time that was given to me on this Earth.
Our forces were slight and small,
Our goal lay in the far distance
Clearly in our sights,
If for me myself beyond my reaching.
That's how I passed my time that was given to me on this Earth.
II
You who will come to the surface
From the flood that's overwhelmed us and drowned us all
Must think, when you speak of our weakness in times of darkness
That you've not had to face:
Days when we were used to changing countries
More often than shoes,
Through the war of the classes despairing
That there was only injustice and no outrage.
Even so we realised
Hatred of oppression still distorts the features,
Anger at injustice still makes voices raised and ugly.
Oh we, who wished to lay for the foundations for peace and friendliness,
Could never be friendly ourselves.
And in the future when no longer
Do human beings still treat themselves as animals,
Look back on us with indulgence.
Bertolt Brecht
RE: My first poem - YaelTheGreat - 09-19-2011 02:27 AM
Okay, I wrote another poem, I think it is stil direct,just a little bit more anstract. Crticism please
Hemorrhaging of the brain,
Bleeding knowledge on those in pain,
So that they will no longer live in vain,
Without a dollar in their name,
Living on the street with shame,
Only feeling pain,
Who does not feel guilty,
For allowing others to be filthy,
The perpetuation of shame,
On those who cannot gain,
The exploitation of the poor,
By the worlds whores,
Why must I be sore,
So you can contine to hoard,
Please Lord,
Save me from your world,
RE: My first poem - Laz - 09-19-2011 03:07 AM
dude the last quarter was DEEEEEEEEP!
(09-19-2011 12:02 AM)Gezus Wrote: Your ability to critique poems is horrible.
even for the poem, the rhythm, flow, and scheme are just repetitive. something common with beginners, you start off concrete and then begin to develop
also applies to the second poem, little better. and i still stand by what i said
RE: My first poem - YaelTheGreat - 09-19-2011 03:10 AM
What exactly is a rhyme scheme and how would one improve on it?
RE: My first poem - Djoser - 09-19-2011 03:11 AM
It's a POEM. There's sometimes no rythm or rhyme at all. Poems don't need "flow". Plus, the schemes are usually basic. Won't usually see a ABCCDBAZZRYILLMATIC rhyme scheme if there is one.
RE: My first poem - YaelTheGreat - 09-19-2011 03:13 AM
LOL, illmatic