a message for people who know something's wrong.

[Judahideen]

but can't figure out whats rights.

my first post were kind of personal and with familiarity come distances oddly enough.
this is provoked by all the recent topics here a conversation i had with coworker today who had told me she had considered joining the marines.
and i had told that i had considered joining the israeli army, in what feels like another life.
and how different our reasons for thinking this an option.

and what i realized was that i actually had two reasons for wanting to "join"

the first which is highten by the fact that i was adopted, and thus a covert(gair) and that is to dip my hands in the sacrificial blood and to truly join the community. because it is a personal point of no return. once you have killed an enemy politics drop and it becomes nothing more than an ancient blood feud. this applies to the united states. and i feel even the "good guy" will expect this of you if you truly want to be "a part of something" which is a terror in of it self.

the second reason was insanity. but a rational insanity, that grows in any one who is surrounded by malicious and directed violence. it gets in side as something noble something good, a senses of loss, that quickly becomes anger, and it sits there not anything major its not overwhelming but its there aways.
and then one day the answer is there, i need to kill them.
its not out of fear its not even out of hate. its just the way to fix the world. who ever is associated with that which has brought the problem must be cut out. and this to does not stand out its a simple reasonable line of thought like putting on sock before your shoes.
and then something happened and i was in a situation of extreme violence but this time empowered enough to participate. and for basic purposes i was in a defenses position along with some friends and i had to do something to save a friend's life, but even though that was motivation. it was something i can only describe as sexual desire x100, but being the pure desire to kill, the fact that it was to save someone was totally irrelevant, i want him to die ii wanted to be the one to do it and i wanted him to suffer through it.

it is one of my greatest achievements in life so far that i failed to accomplish killing that man but protected my friend.

the point of this story is that life is really fucking hard and when people say shit like you don't need to grow up to fast and that you need to learn who you are first. this is the truth, most people only get one role of the dice, and if you've had any shit in your life and are still here you already got a couple. so appreciate that fact and take your time to figure out just what path your ready to go down.

[Dumbat]

Good words dude - thanks for sharing them.