Since everyone is writing, I might as well give it a shot.

[strange.famous]

I'm not on the right track, deviated from every path
That I chose, with my eyes closed, like it was forced
on to me, now I don't know who I am or who I was
but I do know what I want to be, make something out of me
My auditory canal talks a lot to me, but it's the heart
that decides, the mind that compares and the body that does
So in the end, I have only myself to blame, a no name
nobody, tryin to be somebody, worryin for everybody and
able to help nobody, meaning I can't even help myself
so I know for a fact that God ain't with me.

be as harsh as you want, I care about your opinion.
And if it's wack, its cuz I'm new to this. =p

[Asshole]

if you are new to this you have incredible heights to reach. this was fucking terrific. you need more imagery, and the "auditory canals talks a lot to me" should just be "auditory canals talk to me". but other than that the flow is amazing man. i love it. obviously its a little rough, the vocab needs to be varied up with more specific connotations, but i enjoyed the rhyme scheme and the overall poem and its message was sublime. the first few lines are a little awkward though.

keep writing!

[strange.famous]

Thanks Laz! I realize that my vocab is usually missing every time I write, it's even missing when I talk to people in English. The right words just don't hit my mind, although if someone was talking to me using a decent vocab, I would understand them. I guess it's cuz I don't talk to people in English and I don't read books, they just don't stick to my mind.

Guess I should try and maintain a rhyme book but I always fail after 2-3 days, I'm the laziest.

[Asshole]

get fucked up in the head. helps. doesn't help much else but makes art easy.

[OnlyTheFaithful]

Short and sweet, i found it decent enough.

[strange.famous]

Chino, would you review it thoroughly? I'd like to hear what you have to say.

(11-26-2011 10:50 PM)Lazarus Amaru Zion Wrote:  and raj.

sure

[Asshole]

and raj.

[Chino]

(11-26-2011 10:49 PM)Navan91 Wrote:  Chino, would you review it thoroughly? I'd like to hear what you have to say.

this ....

is poetry. i like the imagery you placed into this short written.
although you didnt get fucked up in the head as laz Always proposes ( im joking brotha) its good to find you giving a shot at this.

Strengths:
Imagery. a poet, lyricist or anyone using the art of the spoken word and the written thought to me must be able to project an image or images to his intended audience.

Weaknesses: inexperience. yes it was your first time. now dont be discouraged, it happens to everyone, even myself.


lack of structure: i dont know it this is a strength or a weakness, your written is more organic than normal. a collection of spoken thoughts and ideas. i think freeform poetry is the style of writing you will be most compatible towards, a stark contrast to myself for example, which is heavily structured at times. (even now i believe. i dont think i've made a freeform written since entering this forum. but i'll let everyone else who reads this and/or my latest written to decide for themselves)

Advice
Keep practicing, and i will add one important thing:

Dont Think. thinking will restrict you if used to much. be organic.
i know this is a fast review, but i hope it helps ^-^
Wishing you the best of luck in your future,
-Chino

[strange.famous]

Thanks for the input, Chino. I would like to adopt a structural approach, it's better when it comes to recording and flowing on-beat. I'll post more, if the laziness doesn't resurrect.

[bump]

[Asshole]

now you should read my shit

[strange.famous]

yes sir.

[Asshole]

thanks