My first poem

[Asshole]

well everything is self learned. and i was critiquing it from a lyrical stance, which seems to suit it. lyrics= poetry+rhythm

[Djoser]

Take some poetry classes while you can. Or read about poetic techniques, concepts and styles, and some old stuff.

[Asshole]

since this is already a poetry advice thread, can you all give me your best links on the subject?

[YaelTheGreat]

(09-21-2011 09:21 PM)Djoser Wrote:  Take some poetry classes while you can. Or read about poetic techniques, concepts and styles, and some old stuff.

Thats the only reasoning I am doing this, I am in a Creative Writing college class and I want to get better so I have an easier time throughout the course.

[Djoser]

That was aimed towards, Lax, Yael.

But you can take a poetry class while in college. I am now. It's helping, it's not really telling me anything new.

The poetry class(if you take one) would be more likely about reading poetry and understanding it than "improving your writing".

But that's the thing about poetry. Since it's real personal and expressive, it's hard to judge(unless you're a cunt) or to "improve" in.

[1871]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrealist_techniques

Tags: Cut-Up, Texts by Burroughs, William Burroughs

A Poem by William S. Burroughs

Its so hard to remember in the world - - Weren’t you there? Dead so you

think of ports - - Couldn’t reach flesh - - Might have to reach flesh from

anybody - -

And i will depart under the Red Masters

for strange dawn words of color exalting their

falling on my face impending attack satellite in a

Gold and perfumes of light city red stone

shadows brick terminal time wet dream flesh creakily the

the last feeble faces fountains play stale

spit from crumpled cloth Weimar youths on my face

bodies where flesh circulates Masters of color

exalting their dogs impending attack of light

unaware of the vagrant shadows on the Glass and Metal Streets

silver flying scanning patterns electric dogs

dark street life ”Here he is now” staring out

from the dawn he strode toward the flesh jissom webs drifting

where identity scarred metal faces masturbating

”Who him?” spitting blood laugh on the iron afternoons

ejaculates wet dream flesh in red brick Terminal Time

red nitrous fumes under the orange gas flares

grey metal fall out on terminal cities

to the shrinking sky fading color sewage delta

caught in this dead whistle stop post card sky

dead rainbow flesh and copper pagodas flickered on the

in a city of red stone black skin work fish smell and

dead eyes in doorways red water words spitting blood laugh

sharp as water reeds fish syllables

stirring this Moroccan sunlight vagrant noon station

spent in the mirror dawn jissom webs drifting rainbow

speeded up from afternoon’s slow ferris wheel flesh.

http://realitystudio.org/texts/the-poetr...irculates/

[YaelTheGreat]

(09-21-2011 09:53 PM)Djoser Wrote:  That was aimed towards, Lax, Yael.

But you can take a poetry class while in college. I am now. It's helping, it's not really telling me anything new.

The poetry class(if you take one) would be more likely about reading poetry and understanding it than "improving your writing".

But that's the thing about poetry. Since it's real personal and expressive, it's hard to judge(unless you're a cunt) or to "improve" in.

I meant to say that I am taking a Poetry class, that is why I am asking for critique, otherwise it would be my private work and I'd just improve on it on my own time. Did you just call Laz a cunt?

[Djoser]

No, I'm talking about people who judge poetry for a living.

Also, if you really want to put more time and effort into your poetry, try to see if there's a poetry club available. More than likely, they'll have open mics, too. Those are fun.

[Guajira]

Nice poem you got there. Just some suggestions though; you're abusing commas and it throws off your rhyme scheme a little and breaks your flow into chunks. It's a little short also, it'd be nice if you provide details/descriptions/adjectives about what you're talking about. For example, your opening line "We need to liberate our minds," could use some elaboration.

That's all, peace.

[1871]

Laz gave djoser the thumbs up cos he says he wasnt calling him a cunt. Laz likes to have a change now and then.lol.

[Asshole]

i like to drag that gif of pac so his face is frozen in an epic thug life position