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**Midnight EyeZ** · 12-09-2011, 10:52 PM

What's 12 inches long, stiff and full of my spunk???...

The sock under my bed...

**cleef** · 12-09-2011, 11:29 PM

To get you in that festive spirit...

This Christmas naughty children will be getting some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal.

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My girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

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Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.

What sort of sick fuck does that to someone's advent calendar?

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My main Christmas gifts this year were an iPad and a vagina costume.

Not sure which one makes me look more like a cunt.

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Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.

It's Christmas for priests too, remember.

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I can't wait to give my son his air hockey table for Christmas...

It will go great with last year's air guitar.

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Not long now til that overly happy fat bloke, tanked up on sherry comes and empties his sack all over my room again.

I hate my dad.

**Boboulas** · 12-10-2011, 01:22 AM

FFS cleef where are you getting these? Pure gold :'D

**Asshole** · 12-10-2011, 01:24 AM

(12-09-2011 10:44 PM)Laz Wrote: rene descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks him "do you want a drink?" descartes replied "i don't think so" and vanished.

this is funnier.

**Boboulas** · 12-10-2011, 01:34 AM

No. Just.....no.

**Introcluse** · 12-11-2011, 03:42 AM

3 percent of all new homes are built for pensioners.........they're called coffins.

Alot of planning is being done for the 2012 olympics in London.........most of it by Al-Qaeda

A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette's. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you cunt." The man says, "Yep, that's the one."

**Just Jim** · 12-11-2011, 03:51 AM

Literally lol'd at every joke posted by cleef there. Especially the iPad one since I won one and am an absolute cunt.

**Notorious1994** · 12-11-2011, 03:52 AM

(12-11-2011 03:42 AM)Introcluse Wrote: Alot of planning is being done for the 2012 olympics in London.........most of it by Al-Qaeda

Yes

**Dred** · 12-15-2011, 03:13 AM

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
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Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
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An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word.."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
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An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Yes, I once fucked a parrot
and I was wondering if you were my son . . . "

**Introcluse** · 12-15-2011, 07:53 PM

there was a film released called diarrhea .....it came out before everyone realised

my girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park, but in the end, it doesn't even matter

**Gezus** · 12-16-2011, 01:38 AM

(12-15-2011 03:13 AM)Dred Wrote: An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Yes, I once fucked a parrot
and I was wondering if you were my son . . . "

Hahahaha that was a great list Dred. I remember someone posted that last joke but not in this thread, and it was a daughter instead of a son. Still laughed my ass off.

**Dred** · 12-16-2011, 02:11 AM

(12-16-2011 01:38 AM)Gezus Wrote:
(12-15-2011 03:13 AM)Dred Wrote: An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Yes, I once fucked a parrot
and I was wondering if you were my son . . . "

Hahahaha that was a great list Dred. I remember someone posted that last joke but not in this thread, and it was a daughter instead of a son. Still laughed my ass off.

lol, yeah I've heard it a few times in different set-ups, but still funny as!